Archive | June 2011

I’m New To This Sort of Thing

I’m new to this sort of thing.  Relationships, that is.  My new boyfriend is so sweet and nice and scares the hell out of me.  He just told me that he loves me.  Yes, he used the “L” word.  I’m still unsure as to how I feel about him and I don’t know what to say to him.  He said it was my fault that he fell for me because “You’re you”, he said.  “I’m me?” I ask.  “Yes, if you weren’t you I wouldn’t feel this way.  No one could make me feel this way,” he says back.

Honestly, I’m unsure as to what to say.  I’m taking a chance in life and I really do like him.  I feel this pull when I’m not with him most days.  Is that love?  Feeling a pull to someone, like your chest is aching when you’re not with them?  He told me that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.

I have all these different emotions running through me right now that I can’t seem to catch a single one.  That I don’t know what to do or even say to him, scares me too.  I feel like I should say something to him, but what?

That is what I’m new to.  This sort of thing.  Life, real life….

XOXO

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This is actually happening…

I am for once taking a chance on someone.. We started dating Friday night, and here is how the night went.  It was almost perfect and so romantic.

I went over to his place to have chicken, that he cooked by the way!  After dinner we went walking around his house in the fields and ended up sitting for what seemed like hours talking.  I do think though we ended up throwing grass at each other.  Mind you throughout the whole talking thing, my nerves were not even shot once.  I wasn’t nervous around him at all.  And the same for him.  Then I lied down and we continued to talk.  We even watched the sunset and watched the stars rise in the night’s sky.  We then ended up lying next to each other, holding hands and looking up at the sky for another few hours.  Then he leaned over and kissed me.  The night seemed to go on forever in that moment, me and him just holding hands and lying next to each other.  I believe we ended up going inside around 3 ish Saturday morning.  It was definitely a romantic evening, watching the stars shine in the sky and holding hands and lying next to each other.  I wouldn’t trade anything for that moment.

The next day (Saturday) we were watching Valentine’s Day and he told me that I was like sunshine in his life now.  I brighten it up.  Sunday he told me that he had been in the dark for so long, that I was the light at the far end of the tunnel and he finally reached me.  And that everything he has done so far in his life, the mistakes and whatnot, have all led up to this point in his life to meet me.  And he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Last night we had a good 3 hour talk about what was on my mind because I had thoughts running laps in my head.  I told him that I have this perfect image of the guy of my dreams and that noone will ever match up to it, not even him.  He doesn’t have the looks that I have pictured in my mind, he understood and said that he would do anything in his power to change my mind about him and that he would never hurt me, physically or emotionally.  I wanted to kiss him last night, hold his hand while I was driving.  But I didn’t.

Everytime I think about him, I smile.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me want to sing at the top of my lungs.  I even found a song that is perfect for this whole situation.  It’s Lady Antebellum‘s Just A Kiss.

“Lyin’ here with you so close to me
It’s hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I’ve never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I’m holding you in my arms
We don’t need to rush this
Let’s just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
No I don’t want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
So baby I’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It’s never felt so real, no it’s never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don’t want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
So baby I’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don’t want to say goodnight
I know it’s time to leave, but you’ll be in my dreams
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright
And I don’t want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
So baby I’m alright, oh, let’s do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight….”

Yeah, he makes me feel great and alive and this song is what I think of when I think of him.  Is that wrong?  Is that weird?

I even asked him last night to promise not to fall in love with me.  He told me he couldn’t do that.  But I just want a kiss goodnight from him every night and to be held in his arms.  I know it seems to be happening too fast, but I can’t help it.  He is amazing and sweet.  And I don’t care what others think of him, because to me he is just what I need in my life right now.

 

XOXO

….

Honestly, I really don’t know what to say.

I am getting workman’s comp from my job at LJS due to the traumatic stress caused by the tornado.  What shall they be paying me, you may ask?  Nothing.  Not a damn cent.  Instead they are paying for me to go to therapy at one of the hospitals that actually survived.

Therapy… Does it actually work?  To me, I don’t think it does.  But I haven’t really been in therapy before.  So how do I really know?  I don’t.  I guess I should go.  I mean, I didn’t get to after the first tornado I went through when I was little.  So, maybe this will help me out a bit.  Maybe it will help me not think these bad terrifying thoughts anymore.  It frightens me, to tell you the truth.  It really does.

Right now, I’m unsure as to what to do.  I’m trying to read or right or even watch TV.  Do something that gets my mind off of the bad thoughts, the death thoughts.

So, therapy is probably going to be good for me.  I just need to actually be able to talk to a complete stranger.  But isn’t that what I’m doing here?  Maybe so…

XOXO

Letters to Juliet

I am currently watching Letters to Juliet.  Thus far it is an amazing story of true love and that true love has no expiration date.  To me, when you find that true love, no matter the time, you should go after them.  In the story, it has been 50 years and she is going to find her true love after all this time.  Me, I would love to find my true love soon and be able to spend the rest of my life with him.  I know he is out there, but I just haven’t met him yet.  So, here is my own personal letter to Juliet Capulet.

Dear Juliet,

At the age that I am now, I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers and I may never find the love of my life.  And if I do find him, he will slip through my fingers just as time has and I will have to chase after him.

All that I ask Juliet, is that what should I do?  I have not even been able to find a guy that comes even close to my dream love.  I know he is out there, but I’m just not sure where.  I know in my heart that I will have to travel around the world in order to find him.  But as for the time for me to travel in order to find him, that is another question.  I feel the need to travel around the world and enjoy life and find him.

A sign is all that I ask for.  If only you, Juliet, were my best friend in order to give me advice on a daily basis on love and chances.  Because I know that I need to take a chance in life in order to feel something for once.

But all I want to know, is that does true love exist?  Will I find it?  If I do, will it be soon or later on in my life?

Love,

A Hopeless Romantic

To me, life is full of those letters that may be written to Juliet.  True love exists, but we know not of it.  It sometimes happens so fast with us realizing it that we let it pass us by.  Then, when we do let it slip, we just settle with what we are given.  We never go chase after those we lost.  Destiny has it in store for us to always lose our loves, but Destiny usually has us settle down and never chase them.  Me, I want to find my love and chase him to the ends of the world, the universe.  I want him to do the same for me.  To follow me wherever I may go and make me see him when I don’t want to or when I can’t.

Today I am leaving with just the thought of true love and the promise that we all have it available to us.  Because all we have to do is reach out, grab it, and hold on because it will be a crazy, yet amazing ride.

XOXO

Tornado

As some of you, whoever you are, may not know there was a tornado in Joplin, Missouri on May 22, 2011. 

It was actually a terrifying experience for me.  I was actually in the Long John Silver’s on Rangeline Road when it hit.  We workers had no warning at all of what was going on.  Why?  No radio and we were unable to hear the sirens from inside the building.  When we heard the first set of sirens go off, honestly, we couldn’t believe it.  We went outside and watched as clouds began to pass and form into what was the most horrific tornado in Joplin history, in my life history.  *Hoping I can breathe here, still having a little bit of trouble with it all..*

*Breath* Okay, so I am outside the store and I watch as tiny little strands of clouds come down and all begin to go to one remote location before forming into one large tornado.  Then, it is headed our way.  I’m dumbfounded and I can’t really move.  My co-workers drag me inside and I’m standing there holding the door shut as they go and try to find keys to lock the doors.  Yes, we attempted to lock the doors.  We didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it actually was. 

I then call my father, who is on the southern side of Houston, Texas.  Here is the call:

“Dad,” I say behind tears and fear.

“What?” he grumbles.  I woke him from his sleep.

“There is a tornado and I’m scared and I don’t know what to do..” I’m rambling really fast and shaking so bad and attempting to hold the front door shut as it begins to get closer and the wind is blowing around and trying to open the door.

“Calm down, it’s fine.  Just get somewhere safe and it will all be okay.”  I know he is trying to reassure me that it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, but it was bad and I knew that.

“No, no.  It’s here and it’s really bad and AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!”  I scream as the wind begins to pull me out of the building through the front door.  Everyone is screaming for me to get inside the walk-in cooler.  I can’t move.  Again I’m being dragged to the cooler and away from danger.  My ex is there with me and he is trying to calm me down.  My phone is dead and the last thing my father heard was the mostly deathly scream.

The only thing on my mind was my car, my dogs, my books… One of our workers had not made it into the cooler and next thing we hear is hail as it pelts the store.  The wind picks up more violently as it tries to pick up the building from the bolts in the concrete.  I’m violently shaking and the older lady is there and is holding me still as best as she can.  My ex is there holding the door to the cooler shut through the entire storm (which lasted all of a minute and a half, if that). 

He opens the door a crack and says, “It’s all gone..”  First thing we did was start yelling for the boy who didn’t make it into the cooler with us.  He yells back that he is okay and that he found a place to be safe, the bathroom.  As we push the door further open, I can’t help but shake more and cry.  It begins to rain again and we get back in the cooler.

When the storm has finally passed and it’s safe for us to get out fully.  I push my way past the rubble and head to the back of the store.  My car is demolished and everything is gone for miles.  It looked as if a bomb had struck Joplin.  Half of our town was destroyed, gone, history. 

As others begin to emerge from their spots of safety, fear rises among all of us.  Tears are what connected us then.  We did not know each other, but we all went around and hugged the other. 

My ex, the older lady, and myself begin our way to find our co-worker that ran off.  He is down directing traffic.  We walked around the building and saw the devastation.  The only thing left of Long John Silver’s was the cooler where we were and the bathroom.  Everything else was rubble.

At some point I find a working cell phone and call my dad.  He is already on his way to me.  I’m shaking again and run to my house, which was a few blocks from the store.  I felt horrible.  I had left my dogs locked out of the house, and I prayed that they were alive and okay.  When I got there, they were.  They had managed to get inside the house when the storm blew open the back door.  They were shaking, I was shaking.  I didn’t know where to go.  I had no working phone, I had nowhere to go, and I didn’t know what to do. 

For the next few hours I had walked around town with two dogs.  One in my arms and the other beside me on a leash.  I was not able to get a ride because of my pets.  I made my way back to my house.  My landlord is there and he goes inside the house with me.  He left then, not even offering me a place to stay or a ride.  I packed up what clothes and water I could in two backpacks.  Then another one or so passed of me walking.  I found someone to let me charge my phone for just a few minutes. 

I had 10 voicemails and it seemed like a million missed calls and texts.  I was finally able to text someone because calls were unable to be made.  My boss from LJS asked if we were okay and where we were.  I told him I was somewhere on Rangeline wandering around because I knew not what else to do. 

Finally I met him at the store and he took me home.

For those people who think they know fear.  You may not.  I never want to be in that situation ever again.  I am not entirely myself yet.  That night after the tornado, I did not sleep.  I missed a week of work due to the stress and not even being able to focus on anything.  The past few weeks I just stared out a window and didn’t blink, barely breathed, and didn’t talk.  I tried to be my bubbly self, but it was just too much. 

Last week my dad made me go to a counselor and I broke down.

The only good thing that has happened thus far is that I found another place to live and found another 2004 pale yellow convertible VW bug.  Everything is almost taken care of and life is slowly making its way back to normal.

I’m hoping that everyone who reads my blog understands why I wasn’t able to be online here.  I pray that if you have helped in some way, you weren’t the ones that came from other states and just looted whenever you could.  The people of Joplin have lost more than just homes and transportation, but we lost our well-being, our security, a part of our lives, and some have lost families.  And I know that I wasn’t the only one affected, but jokes are too soon.  I can’t even walk into a LJS without shaking and hyperventilating.   Even thinking about the hold incident, I start to shake and become pale and just start zoning out and I just can’t take it.

So, thank you for reading whoever you are.

XOXO